8-20-15
It’s been awhile since I have posted anything and that is
because I have had a hard time finding the words. My first semester has proven
to be extremely tough, more than I had expected. I thought that I would be able
to travel to NY and slam dunk this program while being away from everyone and
everything that I love. Yes I made new friends and I am grateful for those
amazing individuals in my cohort. They have kept me on track and focused on the
task at hand…Nursing School. This first term has been so hard without Will and
my little family we have made, all of “rituals”; horseback riding, dog walks,
hikes and the occasional bike ride. Facetime sessions do not make this any
easier. I have never been away from my family to go to college, so I have never
experienced what this was like. I think this experience was harder than any
other “going off to college” experience. I left my love and my kids/fur kids on
the other side of the country. It’s amazing the emotional with drawls you go
through when you don’t get physical contact, a simple hug can cure many things.
I went 3 months without physical contact from a loved one. Finally my dad came
to visit me and life got 100 times better!!
On top of being so far away from my family, I had a breast
cancer scare. Going through that experience with out Will truly tested me. I
know that I am a strong woman, and I pride myself on being a strong confident
women but this was one situation that I needed my love with me. It was just not
possible to have him fly out to be with me.
I have found that I have a learning disability as well…maybe
I shouldn’t use the word disability. It’s more like a complication. I have
found that I have a hard time sitting in a 3 hour lecture and come out if it
remembering what was taught. Test taking turned into a complete nightmare, full
blown anxiety attacks. So after many experiments taking tests and
recommendations from my professors, not to mention a handful of failing exam
grades. I have found the most productive test method for me; sitting at a larger
table with my back to the class and earplugs so I am not distracted by any
noise like sneezing, pencil taping, cracking knuckles, sniffles, people with
breathing issues (go blow your freaking nose!!!!). If I can’t get these things
I have filed for testing accommodations, now I will be able to get my own room
to myself!
Well as this first semester started to end, we started
clinicals, this class is called Therapeutic Interventions. I was excited for
the clinicals and the actual patient experience I would be getting. The
beginning of the semester did not start out well, as this was in the middle of
me finding the best way for me to take tests. First test I failed like, 58%
failed!! During review of my test, I questioned why I chose certain answers
when I knew the correct one, I also made some stupid mistakes. I knew the
material I just could not take the test. Next test was a big improvement, I got
a 70%. So clearly I’m headed in the right direction. Third and final exam, 84%.
Yess!! So proud of myself however to pass this class students needed to have an
average test score of 73% and passing clinical. Well with these test scores I
only averaged 71%....sooo close. I had an A in clinical and an overall grade of
B, but this was not good enough.
I fought hard, contacted every person I could to find a way
to stay with my cohort as they continued to second semester. I spoke with my
professors, the Dean of Nursing, and the Dean of Education. All of them said no
and ultimately it would be better for me to stay behind and repeat the course
with next cohort coming in September. Therapeutics would start October 26th.
This meant 2 months home. I was devastated, I failed. Disappointed in myself, I
have worked so hard and have waited so long and to be set back 2 months all but
killed me. I had not had a suicidal thought in a really long time, 4 years.
Tuesday August 18th I wanted to die. I wanted to go be with my
sister in heaven. The amount of hate and a disappointment I had towards myself
no one would understand. I have struggled so long to get to this point and have
been held back so many times. It really was a blessing to be accepted to
nursing school, my dreams were coming true…..then I failed. I had one job,
study hard, learn a lot and pass my courses. I literally felt like I was not an
acceptable human being and that I did not deserve anything. I had planned to do
it the way my sister did; it would be painless and quick.
I called my
husband to tell him that I failed, that I was sorry I disappointed him and that
it would be the last time. Little did he know what that meant. It was not easy
but I called my dad crying, and apologized for letting him down, for failing. I
was surprised that he wasn’t, that he was still proud of me and asked, “Did you
try your best? What would you do differently if you had the chance to go back”?
I thought about
this, and through my tears I answered, “I tried my very best, used all my
resources available to me. If I could go back I wish I knew what I know now,
taking a test in a different environment with earplugs”.
In a calm loving tone he said, “This is all I could hope for, you
learned about yourself, you’re growing. You are still moving forward. Don’t
give up, you’re strong. We have been through worse. An extra 2 months home is a
very small set back. You can spend time with Will and your dogs. Take this time
and study the areas you have difficulty, continue to review for the course so
when you go back it will only be easier. Sweetie, I love you, its ok,
everything is going to be ok. Just come home”.
I fell
apart, and admitted that the disappointment I had in myself was too much. That
I didn’t want to do this anymore, I wanted to be with Chelsea. But my dad
wouldn’t let me get off the phone until he felt confidant that this was not
going to happen. He spent the next 30 minutes consoling me and reassuring me
that this minor setback was just that, minor. Coming out to Rochester was much
harder than I thought and I was not prepared for it. I could come home and get
myself emotionally strong, come back to Rochester in late October for my 8 week
course then come home for my 2-3 week Christmas break. Then start fresh in
January with a full course load again. That we would find a way to fly Will out
or me home midway through each semester. This made everything better, we had a
plan. Plans make me feel secure and safe.
I spoke with
my instructor for the course and she assured me that everything was going to be
ok. She was going to make a special place for me during clinicals since this
was the area I excelled in. She would make sure that I would experience a new
acute care setting and that I would be able to do more than the first semester
students. I would have the chance to teach during labs. She has been my
advocate this whole time and I am glad to have her on my side. I am glad to get
more clinical hours, to experience more opportunities in a different field.
As I type
this while flying home I have come to terms with staying behind. It could be
worse, I could have been kicked out of the program or I could have to wait
longer, but because I reached out to the Deans they are making sure that I have
a spot in the next cohort.
****I am doing much better now****
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