Im BACK!!

I’m excited to be back, but it feels bittersweet. I was not happy to leave Will and the pups behind, but I will say it was easier to leave the pups in the AM since they were very food driven and not interested in saying goodbye to me. I cried on the plane all the way to Rochester, no bueno. Then I slept for 14 hours when I finally got back to my room.

I realized once I got back into my room that I had packed WAY too much!! Oh well…more style options for this freezing cold.

I have decided that to get back into the swing of things, I’ll be auditing PathoPharm with the new cohort and help some friends in my old cohort with MedSurg. I figure if I get a somewhat head start on it, I’ll have a better chance of passing, what is told to be the hardest class. I guess they saved the best for last. Lol.

It’s cold as hell here, I’m so glad I have packed a butt load of thermals and tights/leggings. On a side note, my roommates keep the house warm, like 80 degrees warm!! I was actually sweating last night while I slept. Never thought I would be the one to say it’s too hot in the house.

Here’s to a new year and new start at Nursing School!!!

Hard to talk about...

I wrote the following post a while back, actually on my flight back home to CA and I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it. But something in me pushed me to. This blog is not just about the positives but the negatives of my journey through nursing school. Also its a long post...sorry.

8-20-15

It’s been awhile since I have posted anything and that is because I have had a hard time finding the words. My first semester has proven to be extremely tough, more than I had expected. I thought that I would be able to travel to NY and slam dunk this program while being away from everyone and everything that I love. Yes I made new friends and I am grateful for those amazing individuals in my cohort. They have kept me on track and focused on the task at hand…Nursing School. This first term has been so hard without Will and my little family we have made, all of “rituals”; horseback riding, dog walks, hikes and the occasional bike ride. Facetime sessions do not make this any easier. I have never been away from my family to go to college, so I have never experienced what this was like. I think this experience was harder than any other “going off to college” experience. I left my love and my kids/fur kids on the other side of the country. It’s amazing the emotional with drawls you go through when you don’t get physical contact, a simple hug can cure many things. I went 3 months without physical contact from a loved one. Finally my dad came to visit me and life got 100 times better!!

On top of being so far away from my family, I had a breast cancer scare. Going through that experience with out Will truly tested me. I know that I am a strong woman, and I pride myself on being a strong confident women but this was one situation that I needed my love with me. It was just not possible to have him fly out to be with me.

I have found that I have a learning disability as well…maybe I shouldn’t use the word disability. It’s more like a complication. I have found that I have a hard time sitting in a 3 hour lecture and come out if it remembering what was taught. Test taking turned into a complete nightmare, full blown anxiety attacks. So after many experiments taking tests and recommendations from my professors, not to mention a handful of failing exam grades. I have found the most productive test method for me; sitting at a larger table with my back to the class and earplugs so I am not distracted by any noise like sneezing, pencil taping, cracking knuckles, sniffles, people with breathing issues (go blow your freaking nose!!!!). If I can’t get these things I have filed for testing accommodations, now I will be able to get my own room to myself!

Well as this first semester started to end, we started clinicals, this class is called Therapeutic Interventions. I was excited for the clinicals and the actual patient experience I would be getting. The beginning of the semester did not start out well, as this was in the middle of me finding the best way for me to take tests. First test I failed like, 58% failed!! During review of my test, I questioned why I chose certain answers when I knew the correct one, I also made some stupid mistakes. I knew the material I just could not take the test. Next test was a big improvement, I got a 70%. So clearly I’m headed in the right direction. Third and final exam, 84%. Yess!! So proud of myself however to pass this class students needed to have an average test score of 73% and passing clinical. Well with these test scores I only averaged 71%....sooo close. I had an A in clinical and an overall grade of B, but this was not good enough.

I fought hard, contacted every person I could to find a way to stay with my cohort as they continued to second semester. I spoke with my professors, the Dean of Nursing, and the Dean of Education. All of them said no and ultimately it would be better for me to stay behind and repeat the course with next cohort coming in September. Therapeutics would start October 26^th. This meant 2 months home. I was devastated, I failed. Disappointed in myself, I have worked so hard and have waited so long and to be set back 2 months all but killed me. I had not had a suicidal thought in a really long time, 4 years. Tuesday August 18^th I wanted to die. I wanted to go be with my sister in heaven. The amount of hate and a disappointment I had towards myself no one would understand. I have struggled so long to get to this point and have been held back so many times. It really was a blessing to be accepted to nursing school, my dreams were coming true…..then I failed. I had one job, study hard, learn a lot and pass my courses. I literally felt like I was not an acceptable human being and that I did not deserve anything. I had planned to do it the way my sister did; it would be painless and quick.

I called my husband to tell him that I failed, that I was sorry I disappointed him and that it would be the last time. Little did he know what that meant. It was not easy but I called my dad crying, and apologized for letting him down, for failing. I was surprised that he wasn’t, that he was still proud of me and asked, “Did you try your best? What would you do differently if you had the chance to go back”?  

  I thought about this, and through my tears I answered, “I tried my very best, used all my resources available to me. If I could go back I wish I knew what I know now, taking a test in a different environment with earplugs”.                                                                                                                                     

In a calm loving tone he said, “This is all I could hope for, you learned about yourself, you’re growing. You are still moving forward. Don’t give up, you’re strong. We have been through worse. An extra 2 months home is a very small set back. You can spend time with Will and your dogs. Take this time and study the areas you have difficulty, continue to review for the course so when you go back it will only be easier. Sweetie, I love you, its ok, everything is going to be ok. Just come home”.

I fell apart, and admitted that the disappointment I had in myself was too much. That I didn’t want to do this anymore, I wanted to be with Chelsea. But my dad wouldn’t let me get off the phone until he felt confidant that this was not going to happen. He spent the next 30 minutes consoling me and reassuring me that this minor setback was just that, minor. Coming out to Rochester was much harder than I thought and I was not prepared for it. I could come home and get myself emotionally strong, come back to Rochester in late October for my 8 week course then come home for my 2-3 week Christmas break. Then start fresh in January with a full course load again. That we would find a way to fly Will out or me home midway through each semester. This made everything better, we had a plan. Plans make me feel secure and safe.

I spoke with my instructor for the course and she assured me that everything was going to be ok. She was going to make a special place for me during clinicals since this was the area I excelled in. She would make sure that I would experience a new acute care setting and that I would be able to do more than the first semester students. I would have the chance to teach during labs. She has been my advocate this whole time and I am glad to have her on my side. I am glad to get more clinical hours, to experience more opportunities in a different field.

As I type this while flying home I have come to terms with staying behind. It could be worse, I could have been kicked out of the program or I could have to wait longer, but because I reached out to the Deans they are making sure that I have a spot in the next cohort.

I’m not sure yet what the grand plan is yet, what the silver lining is. But I’m sure I will know when all this is over, maybe years down the road I will say, “Thank God I stayed behind and had that extra clinical experience, it saved me”. Time will tell, for now I am grateful for my family and they are my rock.


****I am doing much better now****

I'm DONE!!

Halfway through the first term and 1 class down!! Feels good that I get to go home in a month and a half. I started up a new class this week and clinicals start next week...look out old people, I'm going to wipe your butt so clean you can call me Mrs Clean!! I crack myself up. lol.
Its so true when they tell you during orientation, "C's get degrees"....it has become my new favorite letter in the alphabet. I'm not used to it but whatever at this point, I want to get done, go back to CA and start my new life.
It's been a bit hard being in CA since my little baby girl, Roxy, had to have knee surgery. Poor Will is learning to play Mr. mom...Im proud of him and I know he is doing a great job, but I feel that its my job to nurture my babies back to health.
I've been super stressed out with the workload, worrying about my grades (am I going to pass??), missing my babies at home, missing my husband, a medical procedure (I had a biopsy done, thought it was cancer, turned out to be a benign tumor...thank God)....oh and not being able to adjust to East Coast Time!! I end up going to bed at 2-3am and needing to get up 4-5 hours later. Trying not to depend on Rockstar since it gives me heart palpitations. Its been a rough couple of weeks.
Some of the classes have been a serious bore, sad to say I actually fell asleep in one of them...ooops.

I have so much to do this week to get ready for next week clinicals.

I almost forgot, I have found my new meaning in life!! My nursing job is going to support my habit of horse riding. I watched a documentary on Buck Brannaman who teaches natural horsemanship. I plan on going to his clinics and being a spectator to as many as possible!! I would love to open a horse camp or therapy horse camp to those individuals who need more medical care and can not attend a regular camp.

Not sure when I will be able to write again, hopefully after my first day in clinical wiping some sweet ass. hahahahah lol
OOOHHH and my daddy is visiting meeee!!!!!

Son of a BITCH!!!

Well I am now 2 tests in, so that's 4 weeks now. I did good on my first Patho/Pharm test and fuckng bombed the second. I am finding out that being 30 and going to an accelerated program is fucking hard. I learn differently and cant study the way that I used to…no more the day before. I need to start DAYS before the test. Luckily the tests aren’t cumulative but holy crap this has got me scared. On a side note Im doing incredibly well in our classes that have labs. If only Patho/Phrm could be hands on, I would nail this class with flying colors. I hate lectures because I cant seem to focus, I get bored real fast. But when I get to be hands on its so much more interesting.

Well I guess this is my wake up call. I have 3 more tests and 2 papers to write to fix my grade. I’m not failing the class but I’m close. You need a 74% average to pass the course…well all the courses. Time to put my nose to the grind stone and get cracking!! Luckily I’m meeting with a teaching/learning counselor to find better ways to study based on my learning style.

On a less crapy note, I love the school fitness center. Its fun to watch all the undergrads lift and get big. The best is watching some small guy who thinks he can lift and has the worst form. I’ll take a picture next time.

As I’m writing all this there is a huge storm rolling through, major thunder and lightning. Its so very different from California. It literally is flooding here, if only we could make a pipeline stretching to CA to transfer all this water. I don’t think CA would be so dehydrated and parched.

It feels so much better to get all this off my chest. This program is tough but I know I can do this. I just need to prioritize my time better.

Oh I almost forgot…I had soo much fun at the Ed Sheeran concert I went to this past weekend. Met some really cool people, some fellow nurses who work at the hospital I will be doing my clinicals. Hopefully I get them as my preceptor!! I actually don’t remember the concert too much since we were people watching or should I say kid watching. So many freaking 13-16 year old girls there. And I got drunk so it was way more fun!!

Ok back to the grindstone. Loves ya

Week 1 DONE!

This week has been really busy yet at the same time incredibly easy for me. There are 3 terms to the year that I'm here; summer, fall and spring. This first term I am taking 17 units, that's 5 classes. At first I was a bit nervous about taking that many all at once but cone to find out, it's all split up. There are 16 weeks in a normal semester, so each of my classes only runs 8 weeks long. So these first 2 weeks I have Pathophysiology, Pharmacology and Health Assessment. I have already taken these classes and passed with flying colors at Samuel Merritt; I feel pretty on top this first term.

In fact, in our lab for Health Assessment (basic vitals, bedside manner, head to toe charting etc.) I helped the professor teach the students who had zero experience with vitals. It felt really good that the professor would look to me for assistance. 

Lecture tends to get a bit boring because I know a lot of the material we are covering. In one lecture we went over 6 chapters! I found that a lot of students are not familiar with how accelerated programs are run. But I feel confident since this is how I have done my entire undergrad and pre-reqs for nursing. I'm sure it will get difficult at some point and I look forward to it, I’ll learn something new and I'm always up for a challenge.

All the students that I have met have been really nice. Last night we all went out to this place called the Beer Market, they literally have a 15 page menu of beers and 75 o tap!! Speaking of which, since I’m only 10 houses away from it, I can hear the band playing…no cover charge here!  This has turned into Wills favorite place. However, while I was out with everyone, I noticed how old I really am. They all wanted to go bar hoping afterwards... I'm 30, I'd rather go to bed and sleep or watch movies lol. I cannot keep up with these kids, I would say that half of our cohort is between 21 and 25. The other half is more like in their old twenties/early thirties. We actually do a have a few adults in the program too (adults being 40 and older...you're a pre-adult in your 30's, and if you're in your 20's you have a completely separate category "life exploring").

Oh this week we also did our scrub fitting (white top and navy blue bottoms)…basically we all tried on scrubs in one large ass room and took our pre-nursing photos (not sure what these are for). I was lucky and didn’t have to spend any money on this since I brought all my blue scrub pants and a friend that graduated the program in August gave me her scrub tops. All I need to do is sew some elastic on the back of the tops to give them a little more form, it’s like wearing a box currently.

Our clinicals have not started yet, I think they start during our second half of the summer semester. I’m really excited to get back into patient contact. I did find out though that we actually don’t get to practice any of our skills (blood draw, IV placement, catheter placement) on actual patients during this program. I feel really bad for those who have not had any experience in the health care field. My friend who went through this program told me that sometimes in clinicals you have the opportunity to have hands on experience but you have to be your own advocate and ask to do things. So I will definitely be doing that. I miss drawing and doing IV’s. Placing a catheter is going to be interesting :/

Well we have our first exam this coming Friday and I should probably study for it. My goal is to get a 4.0 and graduate with honors and all that fancy stuff you can wear…I WANT IT ALL!! I worked too hard to get to this point to just get C’s, even though they say C’s get degrees. True but I want to come home to CA and have the option of going for my DNP…Doctorate in Nursing. This bitch has goals dammit! I got’s to earn the $$ so I can get a houseboat on Lake Shasta and an RV of our own to camp where ever we want, and to build the house of our dreams. This house includes a 10 stable barn, covered arena and round pen, a barn for rescued pit bulls and needs to be on at least 50+ acres, oh and the house is needs to look like a plantation house/Victorian house from the outside but completely modern and roomy on the inside.

And that’s my dream folks!!

Getting Settled...I have too many shoes and not enough space

I have officially spent my first 24 hours in my new house, in my new room. I'm so glad that my house is on a busy street, I fall asleep so easily to the sound of traffic, lawn mowers and garbage trucks. I think I slept a good 13 hours last night, I think it was due to time adjustment and exhaustion from this whole process. My roommates are all girls but they are all moving out in the next month or two to live with their boyfriends. And they're all med students so basically I'm living with a bunch of really smart people. The next batch of girls (thank God) coming in  are med students and one nursing student....cant wait to be Queen Bitch of the house!!!

I met up with some of my classmates today. I found a girl who is literally the blonde version of me!! She is married, has dogs, has horses, and rides!!! I told her that I will be at her house often so we can "study" (so I can play with her dogs and get my horse fix in). lol

Tomorrow I meet up with some girls that are actually from the bay area!! We are going to go explore the Rochester Public Market, which is basically a massive farmers market. When I say farmers market I mean they sell everything from  fruits and vegies to cheese to meat to live animals!! I have been told that they sell chickens, rabbits, and baby goats....I want a baby goat so bad! I'm not sure my landlord will like a screaming animal in his house. Every time I think of a baby goat I imagine the goat screaming to that Taylor Swift song... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFgx5MY72Dk

So there's this place called Insomnia Cookies and at first I thought "oh sweet weed cookies!!" cause that makes sense in my head. But no they are not weed cookies, just regular AMAZING cookies. I love me a good chocolate chip cookie.

Homework has already been assigned and I haven't even gone through orientation yet, but its nice, it gives me something to do to fill up my time right now.

Oh so while I was in this Insomnia Cookie store there was a young couple in front of me. Now when I say young I mean like early twenties. It was a fairly thin male with an over weight female, she had a cute face though. He noticed I was behind them and gave me room to see the menu and probably stared a bit too long at me...the reason I know this is because the girlfriend gave me a nasty look the grabbed her mans hand and placed a big kiss on him. I just laughed, not silently ( I never laugh silently btw) this made the situation worse. I cant help myself, but if she was just a little bit more observant she would see my wedding ring!!! Bitch I am not interested in your barely mature boy who cant grow facial hair yet! But he was considerate...so ill give him that, he had manners which you clearly did not.

Ok my rant is over, today was better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow will be better. Getting nervous about starting but really excited that my classes are literally down the street from where I live! Yeah for short commute time

Less than 72 hours...

My packing is done, I've downsized my big purse to a much smaller cross body version and I'm freaking out. 

I never realized that I started so many projects in my house till now. As we all know Will likes things very clean and orderly....I'm far from this. His wish for me before I leave was to clean up all my little piles around the house and finish all my little projects that have been lingering. Oh and clean the house....I hate cleaning my house. This last 72 hours suck. 

I'm excited Will is going with me to help get me settled. It seems so weird to be 30 and going away to school, leaving the nest. I never left the Bay Area to go to school, I've always been close to my family. I hope that I am emotionally equipped to leave my family, leave my husband and fur babies to go to school across the country. Im sure I am but it's a real fear I have. 

Current mood: Excitedly Terrified